I failed. Trust me, this is not the message I wanted to be typing tonight. See, this month I set out to take control of my life. After being mentally and physically sick for almost all of last year, my goal was to spend the entire month of January getting right. For the past 30 days, I’ve devoted countless hours to my mental wellbeing: daily yoga, accupuncture 3-4 times a week, nightly meditation, weekly therapy sessions, float therapies, mindfulness classes. I really wanted to be your poster child for overcoming anxiety. For all of you that have reached out to me thanking me and telling me how “brave” I was to speak out and advocating for mental wellness support, I wanted to do this for you. And honestly, I thought I had done it. Then last night it all fell to the floor. My anxiety reared its ugly head out of nowhere, that feeling of an anxiety attack we all know so well. My mind went to shit, and my stomach issues came roaring back to remind me this ain’t over. To you people that have been rooting for me, I am sorry. I beat myself up all night over it.But maybe I didn’t lose, ya know? Maybe if anything I won. I won a dose of humility. That people with lifetime mental health issues can’t “fix” themselves in 30 days. That this is a lifelong battle that some days we’re gonna win, and some days are gonna take a little more effort. I have tears in my eyes as I write this, not for myself, but for you. I would give anything to take your pain of anxiety and depression away.And while my post today isn’t what I wish I was posting, I hope it does serve you with some reassurance. If you’ve tried and failed to overcome your crazy brain before, let’s get back up together. You are not alone. I am here with you every step of the way. Because tomorrow is going to be a new day with endless possibilities of happiness.
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